It has been5yearssinceIstartedlivingonmyowninthisbusycityofTokyo.5yearssinceme
andmybandmemberspartedways.
Ihadbeenavocalistinawell-to-doband.Wewerewellliked,butwelackedcertainqualities
neededtomaintainaband.Sowehadtoseperate.
Lifehasbeenwaytoocrampedsince.Iworkedinajazzbarasabartender.Icouldmixpretty
goodcocktails,butthisisn’tthethingforme.
Ironically,eveninthisbusycity,thefeelingoflonelinesshadbeenloomingovermelikeadark
shadow.Itwasn’tphysicalloneliness.IhadfriendswithwhomIcouldtalkandgooutdrinking.
Butacertainfeelingofsolitudeneverleft.Itwasburieddeepinsidemyheartmakingmefeel
empty.
WhatIdesperatelyneededwasabreak.
Soonemorning,Ipackedmybags,tookwhatsoeverihadearnedandleftmyapartment.
Ibookedacheaphotelonabeachsidelocation.
Theysay,brokenortired,feelthewaves,theoceanhashealingpower.
Maybethat’swhyIchoseocean.Well,whateverthereasonwasIjusthopeditwasworthit.
WhenIreachedthereitwasquitelate.
Iwentuptothereceptiontoaskformyroom.Therethereceptionisttoldmethattheymade
somemistakesandnowIhadtosharearoomwithsomeone.
Well,itwasluckyformeasthatwouldcutthecostandIhadtosaveenoughtolastlong.Ihad
noproblemsharingroomwithastrangeraslongastheyaren’tsomeaxemurderer.There’s
alwaysthatpossibility.
IaskedforadoublebedbecausenowayIwouldsleepwithastrangereveniftheyhadperfect
mentalhealth.
Theyagreedandtoldmetheyhadringedmyroommatetoletthemknow.Apparentlytheyhad
noproblem.
Iwentuptomyroomandenteredtofindawoman,notmorethan24,reading.
Uptillnow,Ihadtotallyignoredthepossibilityofmyroommatebeingawoman.
NotthatIhadanyprobleminsharingroomwithher,aslongassheaintuncomfortable.
Shelookedupatmeandnoddedtellingitwasfineasifshehadreadmymind.
Isighedinreliefandwentuptothewindowtolookout.Theviewinfrontofmewas
mesmerising.Infrontofmelaidtheocean,vastandsofullofpossibilities.Thecoolairhitmy
face,makingmeforgetallmypainforthemoment.
Ismiledlightlytomyselfandturnedaroundtofindhergazingintentlyatmeasiftryingto
memoriseeachandeveryflawsinmyskin.
Shewasfairandfine,butshewaswierdlyoverdressedforthiswarmseason.Shewaswearing
afullsleevedshirtandpants.Eventhoughhershirtwasuntucked,icouldstillseethatshehad
anicefigure.
Moreovershedidn’tlooklikesomeonewhocouldbeanpsychotickiller,whichwasarelief.
Sheslightlytiltedherheadlikeaconfusedpuppyandasked,”Itmightseemstupidbutareyou
byanychanceAkiof’Nostalgia’?”
Iwasshockedbyherquestion.Ineverexpectedanyonetorecognisemeormyband,afterso
manyyearsinthisfarawayland.
Inoddedslightlyandshesmiled.Icouldseeanaffectionatelookinhereyes,asifshehadseen
herlonglostlover.
“Doyoulistentothem?”-Iasked
“Ido.Iloveyourmusic.YourmusicisliterallythereasonIamstillalive.Iwishyouhadn’t
stoppedmakingmusic”shesaidwithasadsmile.
Iwasconfusedbutdidn’taskwhatshemeant.Maybethatwassomewaythefangirlsbehave.I
willneverknow.
Irathersaid”Well,Iamgladmymusiccouldhelp.Ihadtostopduetocircumstances.Butitwas
agoodexperience.”
Shesmilinglynoddedandreturnedtoherbook.
Thentherewasaknockonthedoor.Itwasfordinner.
Iaskedifshewantedtocomebutshedenied.
Iwentdowntothelargehallfullofpeople,collectedtohavedinner.
Afterdinner,Iwentouttothebeach.
Thecoldwindbrushedagainstmyface.Ihadfollowedmyheartanditbroughtmehere,tothe
ocean.SuddenlyIfeltmorealivethanIhadeverbeen.
Iclosedmyeyesandhersmilingfaceappearedbeforeme.Shehadprettyeyes,buttheyseem
tohavelosttheirglint.
Isighedandputheroutofmyhead.
Ispentnextfewdaysonthebeachandroamingaround.Itwasanicechange,buttheloneliness
neverceased.
Ialsogottoknowquitealotabouther.HernamewasAkagiRei.Shestudiedartsandmusicin
universityandhadajob.Shehadsavedquitesomethinganddecidedtotakeatripjustlikeme.
Shewasthequiettype.Shewentdowntodinneronlyafterothersweredone.Iguessedshe
hatedcrowd.Shehardlyeverlefttheroom.
Sheusedtoreadbooksallthetime.Ineverreallyreadmuch,soIhavenoideaaboutthem.I
wonderedifshealwayscarriedthesebooksalong,butneverasked.
Reismiledalot.Butitneverquitereachedhereyes.Itwasamysterioussmile,asifsculptured
toconcealpain.
ShewastotallyengulfedinmysterybutIneverhadaurgetosolveituntillater.
ThatdayIfoundapackofcigerattesanddecidedtosmoke.Ididn’tsmokeveryoften,just
sometimestoreleasestressortodistractmyself.
Reilookupfromherbookattheburningcigaretteinmyhandandflinched.Iguessedshemight
beoneofthosewhohatedcigerattes.Ipuffedafewtimesandthrewthehalfburntcigarette
buttoutofthewindow.
Iturnedtowardsherandwassurprisedtoseehergettingpale.Ienquiredifshewasokay.She
justnoddedandsmiled.
AfewmomentlaterIheardaknock.Ilookedatherandsheshookherhead.Inoddedandleft.
Laterthatnight,Iwokeuptosmallsnifflesintheroom.Ilookedaroundforthesourceofthe
noise.
Bright,silvermoonlightwashedintotheroomthroughthewindow.Akagiwasstandingthere
infrontofit,seeminglyglowing.Shelookedlikedthemaidenoftheskies.
Sheturnedaround,approachedmeandsatonmybed.Hereyeswereglisteningwithtears.
Istraightenedandwasgoingtoaskwhat’swrongwhenshedidtheunthinkable.Sheunbuttoned
hershirtandslidthecollardownexposinghershoulder.Iwasshockedatfirstbutthennoticed
amarkthere.Itwaslikeithadburnt.
“DoyouknowAki-kun,whatisit?It’saburnmark,cigeratteburn.”
Ilookedathereyeswhichwereglisteningwithtears.
Shecontinued,”Twoyearsago,Iwasengagedtothisman.Atfirstitwasfine,butslowlyhe
startedbeingpossessive.Hedidn’tletmetalktoanyonedespitehimbeingwithseveral
partners.Amonghumanemotions,nothingisworsethanjealousyandprideandheseemedto
sufferfromboth.Hewouldcomehomedrunkandbeatme.Iwasweak,Icouldn’tresist.”
“Inthosedarkdays,myonlyconfortwasyourmusic.Theywouldgivemeunexplainablewarmth
andsenseofsecurity.Andmaybeabitofcourage.”
“Andthat’swhathelpedmetoescape.Iranaway.AsfarasIcould,fromhim.Ihadsaved
enough,soItravelled.Itookafewclothesandbooks.Theyweremyonlycompanionsother
thanthemusic.”
Hertranquilgazerenderedmespeechless.Shelookedlikeagoddessinthebrightmoonlight.I
wonderedhowcruelandkindtheworldcanbeatasametime.
Iwasbroughtoutofthetrancewhenshekissedme.AndIkissedherback.Itwaslikeaspell
bindingustogether.IknewIwasdoingtherightthing.
Thatnight,Ihadembracedher.Itwasnotoutofloveorlust,butoutofrespectforhowbrave
shehadbeen.
Ilookedather.Hereyeshadanextraordinaryshine,nolongersadanddull.
“Stay”Imurmured.Shedidn’treply.IheldherclosebutIcouldn’tbeatrest.FinallyIfellasleep
withherinmyarms.
ItwaslateinthemorningwhenIwokeup.Iremembereverythingfromlastnightquitevividly.
Ilookedaroundbutcouldn’tfindher.Iwasn’treallysurprised.Eventhoughasmallpartofmine
wasexpectingshewillstayIknewitwasn’tpossible.
Ididn’ttrytolookforher.IknewIcan’tfindher.Shewasgoneforever.AndIhadtolethergo.
ThateveningItookalongstrollatthebeach,listeningtomyoldmusic.Itwasgood.Ishould
startmakingmusicagain.That’swhatreallysuitsme.
Thesettingsunhadpaintedtheseainshadesofcrimson.Oceanisaneternalbeingwhoisthe
witnessofourtransientprideandego.Thisvastwater,fullofmysteries,laidaheadofus,but
howmuchus,naivehumanswilleverknow?
Shewasliketheocean,mysterious,beautiful,wildandfree.IsuddenlyfelthowIamnotlonely
anymore.Ifeltawarmthinthecornerofmyheart.Shehadleftapartofherwithme.
Ikeptwalking.