I was told by my dad that when I was born, he believed that his mother was reincarnated as me. I never need to ask my dad anything because I was given everything before I even realised that I might need something. While I grew up people around me pampered a lot and everything was easy for me. I was good at my education, sports and most importantly I always abide by my dad words.
When I was 16 my friends came for a night out and as usual, we were having so much fun until one of my friends started stripping before me to change her clothes. Everyone around me just made fun of her but my heart started beating fast and I couldn’t look at her. That entire night I couldn’t sleep a wink as I felt my heart would be blown. I thought the reaction I had was because I never saw anyone naked. But later I eventually realised when all my friends talk about guys or movie hero’s it never spiked any interest in me. I thought this is because I promised my dad that I would marry the guy he picks for me.
When I watch a movie, I started to notice that my interests are on the female lead but I told myself that I am just watching a movie. All this confusion has ended one day when I saw Shruthi. She is a new student in my class and when I first saw her, I thought she was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed. I love the way she folds her hair behind her ear, I love when she sulks if something doesn’t go her way, I love when she holds my hand playfully. Everything she does make me sensually vulnerable.
When I was with her, I feel like I am in a trance and I didn’t know that my emotions had been out of control. When I realised what my heart holds, I felt scared. I thought something was wrong with me and I couldn’t accept my feelings. I started distancing myself with Shruthi believing that would help me with what I feel. But that made my life more torturous. I started battling myself with what I feel and what society expects me to be. I am too scared to even look myself in the mirror as I started hating myself for having feelings towards the same gender. I felt like I would look monstrous and started hurting myself. I thought self-inflicted pain could keep me away with those thoughts. I started burning myself on my thighs to think about my dad and how his respect would be damaged if anyone knows the disease I have. The best solution I thought was to isolate myself from everyone possible and just mind my business.
Until I am 24, I was able to hide my disease by having no friends and by concentrating only on my studies. But my heart has always told me that something is wrong with me and that I need to be fixed. One day my dad told me that he found someone who he believes as a perfect person for me to get married. As usual, I said ok and went to meet him. I met Rajesh in a coffee shop, he is a decent guy with settled family background. I said ok to my dad as I know he would know the best for me. Our wedding date got fixed and we have got 7 months to get everything ready for the wedding. Rajesh has been really sweet with me and has always maintained the conversations just within career and shopping.
One evening Rajesh asked me to join for dinner. He has planned everything so romantic but no one knows the turmoil in my heart. My heart never skipped a beat for Rajesh or I never once had butterflies in my tummy when he touches me. After dinner, he took me for a ride and stopped at a breath-taking view spot where we can see the entire city. Rajesh started kissing me and I thought I could just close my eyes and bear this as this is what’s been planned for my entire life. But I couldn’t take it anymore and before I knew my eyes started welling up. Rajesh knew that he somehow hurt me but didn’t know what went wrong and started apologising. I told him I want to go home.
Rajesh being the perfect gentlemen took me home and when I was getting down the car, I told him he didn’t do anything wrong and it was me who made a mistake and apologised for ruining his mood. Once I stepped into my room and changed clothes, my dad knocked the room door and stepped in. He said that Rajesh called him and told him what happened. My dad asked me “Dear, what happened?? Is everything ok? Do you like Rajesh at all or am I forcing you into something you don’t like?” That was the last blow I could take and my tears didn’t listen to me like they usually do. My dad soothing words have somehow touched my broken heart and I started crying. I cried for a few hours and my daddy just stayed beside me holding my hand.
I told my dad everything I felt. I told him that I don’t know how that disease has got into me and how I burnt myself to cure myself. I didn’t leave anything and everything that’s been bottled up for years has been out before my dad. I couldn’t read the expression on his face. He just got up and brought me a tablet. He told me to take it and go to sleep as the tablet will help me to calm down.
The next morning my dad came to my room with a coffee cup and asked me how I felt. I couldn’t look into his eyes as he now knows what evil is sitting in me. But my dad just smiled and said, “Dear, it isn’t a disease it’s how nature works. There is nothing wrong or right in getting attracted to the person you like regardless of their gender. You are nothing like an evil, you are still my mom and my angel. Just accept yourself and the disturbance in your heart would turn you into something beautiful” The words my dad said has brought a wave of immense peace to my heart. Because every fight I did with me has always been for my dad and his respect but I forgot that my dad has always fought my battles for me and that he would protect me at any cost.