Love. Looking at the fact how powerful and complex this feeling is, its ironic how simple it sounds. For some it has been a shore to their storm, giving them a reason to live and for some, it has been that ferocious storm which engulfed them and left them shattered at crossroads. Everyone has their own journey, and to each love is it’s own. When we fall in love, we risk everything, with every ‘Hi’ comes a ‘Goodbye’, but we still risk it. That’s the price of love, and we are ready to pay it, because after all, it’s the best feeling in the world. It’s a thrill, a chemical in our veins, a comfort in chaos. How am I so sure about this? Because if there’s someone who has experienced love in all its multiples, it’s me, Kaynaath Ali and this is my story….
Tamannah Ansari, her name still makes my heart ache. She was a new student at my school. I had felt this eccentric wave pass through me when our eyes first met. There was something unique about her, her aura was magnetic. I was attracted to her ever since then.
It started out as a high school crush, but later, became our true love. I had come out a year before, how so early you may ask. I’ve always been more mature than my age, so I knew and wasn’t afraid of who I am. I was blessed with extremely supportive and lenient parents, who made my life bountiful. I still have flashbacks of the day I first mustered up the nerve to talk to her, she was having a moment of weakness. I couldn’t bare seeing her like that, and towards her I went. We instantly became best friends, and slowly, that friendship blossomed in love. She had difficulties with her sexuality and I was her backbone. The feeling of becoming her girlfriend was unsurpassable. I’d give everything in the world to get a chance to go back and bask in every moment I had spent with her; a little longer, from sharing tons of laughter, meals, sunsets and rainy evenings to having her meet my parents for the first time. I remember all our lovely dates like the back of my hand. There was this one time, on our second anniversary, we had gone to the Hajji Ali Dargah to express our gratitude to god. For us, it was the most serene place in the world. There, we saw a couple with their young daughter and looking at their happiness I almost teared up. Tammanah looked at me and asked, “Kaya, do you think you’d want that? To spend your forever with someone and have a child?”. I replied truthfully, “Yes, Tammanah. I’d want nothing more in the world than to spend my forever with my true love, and raise a replica of us together”. “Me too”, she replied with a smile. Life felt complete with her at my side, but guess what? There is an unparalleled force, which would put an end to your forever and tear you apart, that force is: FATE.
After 3 pulchritudinous years, fate smote us. It still hurts when I think about that fateful day, when everything changed. Unlike me, she wasn’t fortunate enough to have unorthodox parents. We knew we couldn’t hide our relationship forever, but we were waiting for the right time. Guess the right time doesn’t arrive for everyone. Her parents discovered it, and took her away from me. I did everything in my power to make them understand, or give us a chance, but who are we other than mere puppets in the hand of fate?
Even after relentless efforts, I wasn’t able to communicate with her. A year later, I received a news and it killed me by a thousand cuts. Tamannah left me forever. I was paralyzed by time, I saw my world crumpling around me. She was adamant about her life choice, which was me. Her parents were forcing her into a marriage, so a night before being forced onto a path of destruction, she ended her life. She took away a piece of my soul with her, left a scar on my heart which is unhealable. She left me a letter though, which I keep the closest to my heart. Without her, my life is incomplete forever, and nothing in the world can fill that void within me.
I was in depression for a whole year, but after that, I rose up from the ashes. I now had a purpose in life, I wanted to do something, so that not every homosexual individual had to end up like this. All of this pain, hatred, suffering which are bestowed on us, at the cost of what? How many more Tammanahs will have to die, just because we love what we love? The world asks us to be ourselves, and this is what we get when we do? Love has a price, but not this. I looked fate in the eye and said,“NO”.
I completed my academics in counselling psychology. After years of helping people, I have my own thriving mental healthcare centre, ‘Meri Tamannah’. We’ve helped hundreds of people who are having troubles with their sexuality or love life. Every time I’m able to change a life, I know I’ve done her proud. On our 25th anniversary, I met her. Unbelievable right? I feel so too. She came in my dream that night, and took me on date. She told me how much she was proud of everything I had achieved. She said, she was the happiest woman on earth to have loved me. And, most importantly, she reminded me about something. She reminded me about our 2nd anniversary, and of our desires to have a family one day. She confessed, that she wanted a life with me. She wanted to have a family with me one day. She had left it unsaid that day, but now was the right time. She asked me if I’d keep her dream alive. And me? I wanted nothing more in the world. I felt paralyzed with emotions when I woke up. It’s amazing how a dream can feel so real, seeing her walk back, talking to her, was my only wish was left unfulfilled. A few days later, I adopted a little
angel and named her Inayat, just like Tammanah wished. She is a baby Tammanah, and raising her is a joy forever. I will forever wait to get reunited with my love’s spirit in the afterglow, life did, but I believe, death won’t do us apart.
THE BOY WHO LIVED.
He was the boy who lived and went to die,
We know his story can’t end with mourns and cries.
Cheating death had become his hobby,
But he never wanted any one to sacrifice themselves like Remus, Sirius and Donny.
He never asked for an adventure,
But was forced unto them,
Many times, it included confronting the dark lord himself!
He’s got James’s face and Lily’s eyes,
It was their love’s shield which helped him to thrive.
Ron and Hermione were his life,
With Ginny, later his wife
He was the gold of the golden trio,
He was a pure Gryffindor and Leo.
Been to the Philosopher’s Stone,
He uncovered the truth of two-faced soul.
I’m Chamber of Secrets,
He ripped the basilisk with Godric’s sword.
The Prisoner of Azkaban,
Got him his only left family, his godfather In the Goblet of fire, He saw the dark lord returned but was tagged a liar.
The order of Phoenix unveiled his prophecy,
But the half-blood prince stored Dumbledore’s loss deathly.
Finally, in the Deathly Hallows,
He found his ways to kill Dark Lord’s souls.
The darkness was defeated at Battle of Hogwarts,
Where his saviour was the lie by mum of Draco’s.
We know he was the boy who lived and went to die,
And his story ended with unveiling
The secret of Snape’s love for Lily with tears of admiration clouding in his eyes. -SHREYA JAIN.
HEY.. DEAR LOST FRIEND.
Hey…dear lost friend,
Time worth more than a decade passed since you left,
To recollect how in the blink of an eye, south things went,
To try envisioning your face, when fate resolved to clutch your hand, It darkens my subconscious, it makes my gut wrench.
Hey… Dear lost friend,
Its after all these years I walk down the memory lanes of you again, For the rest, you might just be lost with time, like a postage stamp,
But to me, darling, you’re deeper than a faded poetry, a fragment of the very own self.
Hey.. Dear lost friend,
After all these years, even now I cannot erase from my mind your smile,
Even now I remember how the twinkling of your eyes could put the brightest stars of galaxy to shame at night.
Yes, even now I cannot erase from my veins your aura, with a warmth so enveloping,
And I how can not remember your tantrums and pranks, I can’t seem to stop hallucinating.
How can I not mention how at home I used to feel,
When together we painted dreamscapes and graffitis?
I’ll never be the to discard the remembrance of the first time someone called me pretty.
And no time can the erase the memory, when with my forehead you communicated to my being, promising distance would never keep you from me.
But guess what? Fate decided to mark that promise empty. Just, empty.
Hey… Dear lost Friend,
I miss you, with my every single heartbeat.
I miss you, because it all comes back to me tonight,
I miss you, even though I don’t have the answer to what the definition of our attachment could mean.
I miss you, for no one had the right to plant you in escape velocity.
Hey.. Dear lost Friend,
I’d give everything away, if I can get you back to me,
Just for one time, I want to hold you close to me,
The universe is unjust and scary, but just for just some time, I want to embosom you to hide away each of my felony.
All I want, is just one moment, to hold your hand, feel your smile, and say the eight letters, for the last time.
Hey… Dear lost friend,
I wonder if you see me from heaven,
I wonder if you’ve speculated my journey, and realise how I’m made from mayhems.
I wonder, if you were still here, what crossroad, what paraphase of the equation we would’ve shared.
I wonder what world you would’ve made for yourself,
And if even a molecule of it would be me.
I wonder if you’d continue to be my little love, who’d smile and laugh with a voice sugary sweet, whose eyes would shine whilst ignoring punctuation I would speak, and if you’d still paint rainbow like graffiti with me?
And most importantly, with all my flaws clouded, would you still say I’m pretty?