I hate him… yes, I do… That is why we broke up. He wasn’t like how he was when I spoke to him first. He was willing to do anything for me. I was his first choice. I was his everything. When I had a paper cut, he made sure I didn’t do anything for the rest of the day and he kept asking how I was feeling for rest of the week. He was behind me wherever I go, even for my salon appointment and waited for hours. We chatted till my eyes get drowsy and my phone used to carry his messages of how much he missed me when I slept by the time I woke up. He was my good night and used to be my good morning. But… everything ruined because of that one thing. Everything changed because of that. SEX…
Yes… it ruined everything. I don’t know why people say that it’s a form of love. We kissed; he was fine even after that. We hugged, yup… nothing changed. But after we did that, he started changing. He used to be up, watching me sleep for hours initially. But then he started saying he is tired. I was fine with it because he held me in his arms and slept. When I moved away in sleep, he made sure to pull me back to him as if he couldn’t bear the distance between us. Everything was beautiful for few weeks or should I say few times? I don’t know, but then he changed. We started fighting on every single thing. Every day starts with an argument and we only make up when we do it. How do we used to make up when we never had any physical relationship? Uh… I can’t remember… Uh… yes… we don’t need to make up because we never fought. May be because he always used to abide to whatever I say.
We fought and fought to the extent I told him that I regret sleeping with him. Did I regret saying it? I don’t know… But I thought by this statement he would know that I am unhappy with him because he isn’t being the same person I have fallen for. I was in a presumption that he will be back to my dream boy where everything was rainbows and butterflies but Guess what? He became rigid and uptight. It’s as if he is doing his duty as a boyfriend. I felt he isn’t loving me anymore. Nothing I spoke excites him the way it used to be. I want him to look at me the way he looked me before as if his eyes are holding the love in this entire world. I stayed quiet to see if he will pamper me like the way he did before when I said I was not hungry. But none of them happened. I waited for him to hold my hand and place it at his heart just like how he did to show me how his heart raced when he sees me smile. Everything I did, was to gain his attention but it turned out as an argument. And the only way I feel I can get his attention is to offer him my body. I felt used. Even when he took me close and spoke romantic words, I know he would sleep once he is done. And he even stopped pulling me to him when I moved away during sleep. That’s it… I can’t keep waiting for his attention. I decided to tell him that he doesn’t own me. That I wont stick with him even when he is treating me as an extra player in his life. I told him that I want to break up and I expected him to convince me that he would be the same guy as before but he stayed quiet. He didn’t make any effort to make me stay when I was walking away from his life. I realised he was waiting to break up but he didn’t want to be the bad guy so he waited and made me speak up. Just like that we are done.
Now I am about to get married to this wonderful guy my parents looked for me. He is settled with a big house and a bright bank savings. My parents made sure the path I walk in to be smooth and then there came back my butterflies. Wow… My fiancé is capable of giving me big gifts including his complete attention just like how I wanted he would have done to me. Life seemed wonderful. 6 months into my marriage life, life still looks great. My husband brings back flowers every evening, take me out for dinners, we go shopping every weekend. Wow… just like how I imagined. Isn’t it great? That I left him. Is it really great? How come my husband yell at me when no one is around if something slightly goes wrong? Why does he never care my suggestion of how our life want to be built? Why does he treat me as his minion who doesn’t have any view on life? And most importantly why doesn’t he care my opinion when I tell him that I am not interested in sleeping with him?
Today, I was sleeping in my husband arms just like how I slept with him. But why does it feel different? With him, I felt content, happy but now, I feel claustrophobic as if I am tied down in these arms. My husband just touches me to get aroused and is done when he is done but he, he made sure I was ready for everything. He never asked if I am ok… he made sure I was ok… he knows even when I am in slight discomfort just looking at my eyes. Even when he slept far from me… I felt safe but now when I am in my husband arms tightly hidden, I feel scared.
Why are my eyes watering? Is it because my life wasn’t as I expected? How did I think it would be different? Is it because of those butterflies I had when I met my husband? And why don’t I speak up now? I used to argue and fight for every single thing with him; But why not with my husband? Is it because I am scared that my husband would hit me again? I am ok now, as long as I stay quiet and adjust then everything will be fine. That’s what my mom said when I told her what happened. Then why didn’t she tell the same thing when I told her about him? When I told her that he stays quiet when I shout, that he can’t understand how I feel but still does what I want. Why? Why didn’t she then say, adjust sweety… its part of life… he is a busy person… just like how she is saying now? Wasn’t the guy I dated busy with his project where his life depends on? Is it because he isn’t rich like my husband? Is it because he wasn’t their choice?
Whatever has happened, is it really my mistake? Why didn’t he speak up and stop me when I was walking away from his life? Ho… yes… now I remember… the tears in his eyes… when I said that I can’t do this anymore… when I said that he is using me for my body… (really?? Is it really just for my body?? Whom do I think I am?? Can’t he get someone to sleep with him if he really wants just my body?). I know realise what he said when we were together, ‘I don’t convince people because if someone does something just because I convince them then whatever the result is, they would still either be unhappy or dissatisfied’. Yes… he doesn’t like to convince people which included me.
And just like that… I decided to close my eyes like every other day even though I am scared that if I close my eyes and open… another day would start where I act like everything is fine around me.