How to live longer

‘Mornings after a good night’s sleep are priceless, aren’t they?’

I cuddled a few more times before I came out of my serenity. It suddenly shook my mind, ‘10am call! Damm I am already late.’ I checked my phone and I it’s ten past ten. I quickly searched for my laptop and put it on my lap. Within seconds, I joined the call with my team and the manager. As soon as I was in, Ram, our manager started to speak up. 

“Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?”

All my drowsiness washed away. My ears went wide. 

“How many times have I told you not to do this?”

‘True! I was mostly late to the meetings.’ I turned my mic on and started apologizing, “Ram, I.. I know I am late. I was..”

“If you ever play with the papers on my desk, I’ll hide your lego toys. Now go to your mother.”

‘What! He was talking to his daughter. Damm! I felt dumb. I shouldn’t have talked at all. Ram was my manager for the past four years. Same as thousands of engineers, I also succumbed to this corporate IT world. I never wanted to be an engineer. I actually don’t know what I want to be. But surely not an engineer. But anyways, I am going with the wind.’

“Sorry guys, it was my daughter. Hi Vengat, were you saying something?”

“No Ram, I was just .. ah.. Wishing you a good morning.”

“Are you ready with the report of the queries?”

‘Damn I completely forgot about that.’

“Shit” I cursed myself aloud.

“What?” Ram almost screamed.

“Ram.. I.. I said sheet. Reports are ready in Google sheet. I’ll send you across.”

“Okay. Guys, before starting our daily scrum, we have a new member in our team. Rose, introduce yourself to the team.”

‘Great. It’s been a long time since we had a new member in our team.’ 

“Hi everyone. I am Rose. Before I introduce myself, I request everyone to turn on your video.”

‘What the! I don’t even know whether my webcam is working or not.’ I looked at myself and I am semi nude. I quickly grabbed whatever T-shirt I found and put it on. Don’t ask about my pants. I turned my video on and so did everyone including her.

“Thanks a lot for taking my request seriously. I know we don’t want to turn our videos on. But I really wanted to see all you guys at least on video. Hopefully in real after the pandemic.”

‘She looks very much experienced and professional. More than that, there’s something in her voice and her face. How can I explain it? There is … there is.. Life in it. Her voice sounded like she was speaking right out of her heart. She looked very very real.’

“I’ll start my introduction. I am Rose. You might be wondering who in India would name their daughter Rose! They didn’t. I changed it a few years ago. I completed my graduation in computer science four years ago but for some reason I pursued other career options. And for some reason, I am back into computers. I am literally equal to a fresher but I am very good at algorithms. I hope I will be making some good friends here and of course some value for the company.”

‘She got a beautiful smile. When I look at myself in our meeting call, anyone on earth can say that I am fucked up in my life. Same goes with everyone’s faces. Including Ram. We all are doing this because we have to. But she! She looked a lot different. She has a glow on her face that makes her look truly alive.’

We all introduced ourselves to her. When it was my turn, I always have my intro in my mind. Same shit that I blabber to everyone showcasing the skills which I pretend to know. 

“Vengat, give Rose a KT on our project and requirements.”

“Sure Ram.”

I texted her on Teams asking for her free timings. She immediately texted back saying that she is free now. I am sure that she will ask me to turn on my video. So I took some time to freshen up. 

“Hi Rose.”

“Hi Vengat. Thanks for turning your video on.” She smiled.

“I guess you would ask me anyway. By the way, your smile is very real and beautiful.”

She smiled again and said, “But I noticed that you are sad for some reason.”

“That’s not sadness. It’s despair. Never mind, we can’t do anything now.”

“Sorry for asking you about that.”

“No problem.”

We discussed the project for an hour. God, she doesn’t know most of the terminology but it’s true that she is good with algorithms. With some experience, she can truly contribute a lot. 

It didn’t take us much of a time to connect to each other in our own crazy way. From MS teams, we went to WhatsApp and even video calls. In this lockdown, we had all the time in this world to talk. Rose became a part of my life, I started my day with her call and ended with her call. She teached me how to cook and we watched a lot of movies together online. The more I talked to her, the more I adored how she lived her life. 

One day she told me, “I worked as a babysitter before this job.”

“Babysitter? After doing CS in your graduation?”

For such things, she used to say, “I wanted to do that.” Which makes me wonder how unique she is.

Even though we lived in the same city, we never got a chance because of the pandemic. Because of her, three months of time went like three days. 

As the project progressed towards the completion, we became best friends. Most of the time, she stole the heart of everyone in the team with her charm and integrity. With her being a part of the team, I never felt that the work was a burden. I in fact loved doing it with her. The day came when we gave our final demonstration of the project. On the same night, I got a call from Rose.

“Hi Vengat.”

“Hi Rose, I can’t turn on my video on a phone call.” She smiled. Her smile is always fresh. Real and lively.

“Na Na… That’s why I called you on WhatsApp. Accept the video call.” I did as she said.

She continued, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why do you think you can’t do anything about being sad or despair or whatever?”

“You still remember what I said on our first call?”

“I have to remember everything.”

“I don’t know Rose, I never wanted to be an engineer. I don’t know what’s going on with my life. I am pretty lost.”

“Can see that. You are saying you don’t know what to do but you surely don’t want to be an engineer. Then why don’t you quit?”

“Seriously? My mom would kill me if I did so. She says no one will marry me if I don’t have a job.”

She laughed out loud. Even though it’s a teasing laugh, I loved it. 

“So you are doing this job to get married?”

“No No, I am doing this because I don’t know what to do other than this.”

“Vengat, can you come out now?”

“Now? It’s almost ten. It’s a lockdown too?”

“I know. We can’t live in our houses forever na?”

I was shocked. No girl asked me to come out even in daylight. Even I need some air. I said I’ll come. 

After some time I reached our rendezvous point. Aksa beach. I called her and she told me that she is on her way. I looked around and there was literally no one. I never imagined that I would feel such serenity in my life. It was calm and peaceful. I heard a scooty being parked and I know that it’s Rose. She walked up to me.

“Rose, you are shorter than I imagined.”

“You are taller than I imagined.” She smiled. But I can’t see her smile.

‘Damn these masks!’

Then she took off her mask and signalled me to take it off too. I hesitated for a second.

“Don’t worry, I was quarantined and we will maintain the physical distance.”

That was the first time I saw her face in real life. She truly is something more than what I see. She has an aurora of life around her. I took off my mask as well.

“Let’s take a walk.” We started walking along the beach. One side was the turmoil of waves and the other side was usually filled with traffic and car horns but now it is just an empty road. The moment was so blissful.

“So Vengat, do you like your name?”

“What! Ah.. No. I don’t like my name.”

“I know. Most of us don’t. That’s where I started living my life.” She took a book out of her hand bag and it was titled, “How to live longer”. 

“What is that?”

“A guide to live longer.” She said.

“Who wrote it?”

“The famous author, Rose.” She laughed out loud. I joined her. 

“See Vengat, do you know when we feel like time is running slow?”

“When Ram is talking?” She smiled again. “Sorry, I don’t think time ever runs slower. My entire life feels like a fast forwarded video tape to me.”

“Exactly, but.. But.. There is a way to make time run slower than usual. When we do the same work sitting on the same chair in the same room, time runs faster. Only when we see new things and experience new habits, time runs slower.”

I pasted a confused poster on my face.

“Let me explain, what are all the things you remember in your past ten years of life.”

“Umm.. I joined college. I remember the first semester of it very well. Then I remember making new friends. We went to Goa. Those five days were unforgettable. I joined this company and shifted myself to Mumbai. I remember my first couple of months here. And .. that’s it.”

“You see, when I asked you to tell me about your past ten years, you hardly spoke about a few months. But in reality, it was ten fucking years. You wasted everything that you can’t remember. The more of the life that you remember the more you feel you lived in it. And that’s why you feel like time runs so fast.”

“Wow! Makes complete sense. So you are saying that living the same kind of life for ten years is equal to living your life differently for two or so years?”

“Exactly.”

“Does your book, ‘How to live longer’ contain these kinds of tips?”

“Naa Naa! This book contains every crazy thing that I want to do in my life. I call it ‘Bucket List’.”

She got a call from someone and she started to search in her bag. While she was searching she told me, “This is why I asked you to come out tonight.” and she finally found her phone. On the screen it says, Ram. “Perfect”, she said and threw her phone into the sea.

“What the! What did you just do?”

“I’ve always wanted to do that.”

She opened her book and started flipping through the pages. There’s just barely enough light so I couldn’t see much of the content. When she found the right page, she showed it to me. It says, “Threw my phone into the sea.” She took a pen and excitedly striked it off. 

With a smile I said, “You are insane.”

“I know.”

“You know it costs a lot.”

“It’s nothing compared to my happiness now.”

When we were talking about this, I got a call from my mother. My phone rang. 

“Do you want to try it?”

My face turned into a shock poster and Rose couldn’t control her laugh. I answered the call. When I was done, she asked me, “Let’s walk back to our bikes.” I didn’t want this chat to end anywhere soon. But I said yes and we started walking back to our bikes. 

“Rose, so you changed your name to Rose?”

“You don’t believe that?”

“What was your name then?”

“I’ll tell you, if you promise me that you won’t make fun out of it.”

“No, I am asking you to make fun out of it.” She laughed.

“It’s Chutki.”

I bursted out laughing. She controlled for a while but later joined me. 

“I know, I know. That’s why I wanted to change it. And I love Titanic. Jack and Rose. Everything about Titanic gives me goosebumps. So that’s why I am Rose now.”

“Your parents agreed to this?”

“They weren’t left with any choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“Leave that. You said that you don’t like your name. What do you want to change it to?”

“Are you serious? My mom would kill me. She says that ‘Vengat’ is a god name and if you..” She cut me off in middle and said, 

“If you change your name, no one will marry you?” She laughed and unknowingly I joined her.

“Okay, okay, I will tell you my new name. It will be.. It will be.. ‘Chota Bheem!” I bursted out laughing. 

Rose took a stone from the ground and ran after me. Laughing. And finally we stopped near our bikes catching our breath. I looked at her face. She is very happy and real and alive. Like she always looks like. She asked me to wait there and went up to her bike. I threw myself into the sand and closed my eyes. 

‘I can see her happy face even with closed eyes, and listen to the tides racing towards the shore. I felt something inside of me. I felt alive, happy and real. After a very long time. I don’t even know if something like this ever happened to me in the past. But this moment is beautiful.’

I heard Rose’s footsteps and opened my eyes. She is carrying a box in her hands. I stood up and tried to help her.. 

“What is this?”

“I wanted to strike off three things in my bucket list today with you. One was already done. This is the second one. Help me open this.”

Unboxing something is undoubtedly exciting. When we were done, it looked like a telescope. It is a telescope.

“Wow! This is a surprise to me. Rose, how much is this?”

“This is invaluable to me. I always wanted to buy this. But never was able to afford. Thanks to this job, it happened. Come on, let’s set this up.”

With my phone’s flashlight. It took us around thirty minutes to set it up properly. In the end, we still had to adjust a rotating thing properly so that it clearly works. Rose hooked her eye into the telescope and I am rotating it. 

“Is it clear?”

“No.”

“Is it?”

“No. You are going too fast.”

“Is it now?”

“No. No. No. Wait wait. Come back a bit, a bit. Yes! Jesus Christ! Oh my god!”

Her face glowed brighter than my flashlight. She continued to get surprised looking into the telescope and seeing her smiling with excitement, gave me tears. Happy tears. I don’t know what she is looking at in that telescope but I am sure her face is much more beautiful than that. After a few minutes, she asked me to check that. I looked into it, and god it really is very amazing! The moon and the stars are very close up. But I miss her face. After ten seconds, I asked her to see it again and I enjoyed looking at her face. 

When she is completely satisfied with the telescope. We sat down in the sand. She took her book again and struck off something. Probably related to this telescope.

“Vengat, there’s one more thing.”

“Yes, what is it. Kidnapping a colleague?” She laughed.

“I should add that I guess.” We laughed together. 

“I am quitting this job, Vengat.”

“Please, don’t make fun.”

“I am serious. I am quitting it tomorrow. I have my resignation letter waiting in my draft.”

“But.. But.. What are you gonna do? We are good with this job na?”

She took the book into her hands and said, “There’s a lot to do.”

“You can’t do this. What about us?”

“What about us?”

“Are you serious? Okay, I’ll come with you.” 

“Na, you can’t quit your job. No one will marry you if you do so.” She started to laugh. 

“This is not funny, Rose.” I almost shouted.

“Okay Vengat relax. I know it will be hard. But trust me. There’s nothing we can do about this. If we are meant to meet again, we will.”

“What are you talking about, Rose? Are you listening to yourself? You think you are a modern monk or something?”

“No I am not. But believe me Vengat. This is how it should go. I can’t do this job anymore.”

“Neither is me. I’ll join with whatever you are going to next.”

“No, you can’t come with me. As I told you, If it is meant to be, we will meet again.”

That was the last line I heard from her. For that instance, I hoped that she must be making fun of me. Next day I heard from Ram that Rose resigned from the company. She was really serious about that. I tried calling her mobile. ‘Damn! she threw it in the sea.’ I don’t even know where she lives. She was gone like a flash out of my life. Nothing of her is left with me. Except that one night. Based on her theory of time, that night is literally more than five years of my job. 

I felt lost. No one turned on their videos in the meetings anymore. I can feel that I am back to the robotic way of living my life. I tried in all possible ways to find her but all in vain. I felt like there’s no purpose for me here. I cursed myself for not stopping her that night. And time ran really fast. 

***

“Rose!”

Listening to my name, I walked to the counter and took my cup of coffee in Starbucks. It smelled perfect. Like I always wanted to be. But today, I am feeling different. Nervous. Anxious and a lot more synonyms of it. I mailed Vengat. Asking to meet me here today. 

‘Will he come after what I did to me? All the way to New Zealand? I wonder what he was doing.’

But the gut feeling inside told me that he would come for sure. Of course I don’t believe in gut and stuff because it’s just what we want to happen. Nonetheless, I want to meet him and confess. After waiting for an hour, he did come. 

He looked a lot fatter than when I last saw him. He is different now. There is no sadness in his face and neither joy. He looked plain. He recognized me and almost ran to my table. 

“Rose!”

That name from his mouth almost made me cry. It’s been six months. Still he is carrying that same adorable and innocent tone in his voice.

“Vengat.”

He sat opposite to me and said, “Na.. I changed my name.”

“To? Chota Bheem?” I laughed out loud forgetting that I am in a public place. He smiled too. That smile is real. He is happy. 

“No. I changed it to ‘Jack’.”

I was stunned. Is it for real? 

“Are you not mad about me?”

“I was but not after I received your mail. By the way, what happened to your hair? Why did you shave it? Is it one of those bucket list?”

“Vengat, sorry… Jack, I want to tell you something.”

“Go ahead, I am listening.”

“I was diagnosed with Cancer five years ago.”

‘The moment I decided to tell him this, I started drawing his expressions in my head on how he would react to this. But he did nothing. He just sat there without any motion. I continued.’

“Sorry for not telling you this on that night. I want you to know that I am much more than the bad things that happened to me. It was in the final year of my graduation when I came to know about this. It was initially very hard for me and for my parents. I was lost. It took me a year to come out of that phase and that’s when I started living my life. That’s when I realised what living a life is actually about. Doing what we want. I started this bucket list. Doing a software job is one of those.”

‘He listened to me with all ears and I know people can’t speak back listening to these kinds of things. So I continued.’

“I was suggested to have a chemo six months ago. My survival was at stake. I didn’t want you to know about it. I don’t want you to look at me knowing that I am gonna die soon. If I told you that, you wouldn’t have got mad at me for leaving you that day. But that’s not real. What you did is real and I wanted that to experience and remember. The real you. Fortunately I survived chemo. But there’s no time left for me. Hardly a couple of months. I want to tell you about this myself.”

After that, a cloud of silence covered us. He broke it.

“I don’t know how to respond. But I don’t want to waste this time. Your theory, live differently and remember as much as we can.”

“Thanks Vengat.. Uhh Jack. Trust me I am happy. I lived my life longer than my age. Last three and half years are more than equal to twenty years for me if I was living it normally. Trust me I am happy.”

“I know you are.”

‘I don’t know what he was going through. But he sounded real. It must be hard for him but he is smiling. The only thing I can make out of it is that he doesn’t want to waste this time mourning for what happened, but to live it like I wanted. I am happy. I am happy that he came to me and I am happy that he changed his name to Jack and I am happy that he understood me.’

“So what’s your next bucket list?”

“Bungee jumping. You are doing it too!”

“What! No No, I am not.”

“You are.”

*****

‘I was lost after Rose vanished out of my life. I could barely do anything with sanity. I lost myself. After a couple of months, I resigned from my job. I always wanted to tell Rose about this. She would seriously laugh and tease about my mom. I don’t know what provoked me to do it, but I did it anyway. 

I used to open all of my social media accounts in each tab waiting to get a message from Rose. I started a youtube channel about gaming. I always wanted to do that. I did it to tell Rose that I am doing what I wanted to do. I lived those six months in the same fashion. I never wanted to remember that part of my life without Rose. I wanted the time to run fast until I got a message from her. 

When she finally sent me an email with the location and time. I literally jumped out of my bed. I didn’t even bother that it is in New Zealand. I could’ve come to Antarctica if she asked to. 

When I finally saw her. I felt like life was being poured into my body again. It might sound a bit dramatic but it’s true. She looked amazingly beautiful with that glow on her face. I was very eager to tell her that I changed my name and quit my job.

To my surprise she told me about the cancer. My world turned upside down. I went numb. I want to cry like hell. Why her? Why the fuck should this happen to her? She says she is happy. Is she really happy? I pestered myself not to worry about her cancer and live every present moment with her happily. But in the corner of my mind I know I have this question, ‘How am I gonna live without her?’

After two hours of driving, we reached the spot, which is the second deepest bungee jumping spot in the world. I am scared as hell. I know Rose can do this easily. But me, I am scared as hell. Even though I was saying that I am happy, I looked like a baby about to cry like hell. She can see it too.

We walked upto the jumping spot. It is like two corridors opposite to each other hanging in the sky from where people are jumping into the air. We were tied with safety suits and all that stuff. We are waiting for our turn. When it’s about to come. She came to me and said, 

“Jack, I know you want to cry. But trust me I am really happy and there’s nothing to cry about. There’s nothing sad about this. We all die. I know it doesn’t make any sense.” She laughed and continued, “I am glad that you are here with me today. Remember one thing, we can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy. I am happy. I want you to be happy as well.” She then kissed me on my lips and we were asked to step up to the edge. 

We are now standing on opposite edges. She is standing right infront me smiling. Between us is the leap that we have to jump into. I am still lost with her words and her kiss!

My instructor is talking to me and I can’t hear him anymore. I have a photographer standing right beside me and her to take our photos. I told my instructor to wait until she jumps off. When she was ready she let out a deep breath. She signalled to me and jumped into the sky with her hands wide open. 

‘Time ran completely slow for me. I want this to be remembered all my life. She is literally floating in the air like a bird with wings spread out. Her face is glowing and her smile. God! She is really happy. Looking at her happy face, I cried. I cried out of happiness. Happy tears. She then fell down and hung onto the rope. But her picture was tattooed in my mind.’

***

A month later, she died. I got a courier days later from her. It has the telescope that we unboxed that day and her book, ‘How to live longer.’

I opened it up with tears rolling down my eyes. Every page has something in it. Like, 

Working at call center

Doing a software job

Scuba diving

Paragliding

Babysitting

Most of them were struck off. I found one page that has, ‘Falling in love’ It was striked off too. There’s a note on that page which says, 

“I know I am very bad at writing send off notes, but I’ll try my best. Trust me Jack, I lived longer than my age. I am very happy with it. So don’t worry about me. I told you once and I am telling this again, we can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy. I lived my life happily no matter what and I want you to live happily as well. I am passing this secret of the bucket list to you to live longer. Isn’t it ironic that in Titanic Jack dies and Rose lives but here Rose dies and Jack lives. Hahha. Thanks for everything.”

***

Years later, I gave the final stroke to the painting that I have been working on for months and I stepped back to have a final look at it. Painting of Rose flying in air during her bungee jumping. It looked beautiful. I looked at her smiling face again and again and I smiled wider than her. I hung it on my wall and took a book from the shelf titled, ‘How to live longer’ and opened up a page. I striked off, ‘Paint Rose’s picture’.